Computers and Stinkbugs—All in a Day’s Work!

I’m going to ask you to imagine the following conversation at the Dell Helpline this morning. There I was, minding my own business answering an e mail when I heard a buzzing sound coming out of my computer. I tried to  ignore it hoping it was a mere computer glitch, but it kept up. Having lived in this house during the past few years with a horrid stinkbug  epidemic, I  knew the sound only too well, and cringed to think of what I was about to find.

I knew I had to make the dreaded call to the Dell Helpline. Anticipating the old “give us your service tag” line from the Helpline, I turned the computer around to search for it, only to see a real, live stinkbug  inside my computer. It was trying to squeeze  through the opening in the back, but it kept hitting the fan, so to speak. And worse, I saw a companion in the background having a little stroll around the components. I made the call.  After my traditional “on hold forever while I listen to ads about their wonderful products and service,”  I was connected. Laissez les bons temps rouler!

Naturally, I was connected to one of Dell’s Helplines—-overseas. Talk about “Lost in Translation!” I knew instinctively that this was NOT going to be an easy explanation.

THEM: Hello, this is The Dell Helpline.  How may I assist you today?

ME: I have a computer bug problem.

THEM: Before I begin to assist you, Ma’am, may I have your service tag number found on the back of your computer?

ME: (I have always wondered why that doesn’t show up on THEIR COMPUTERS when they view my records, but OK. I’m used to it by now.) Here it is: etc. etc. blah blah….

THEM: Now what kind of bug problem are you having with your computer, Ma’am?

ME: Stinkbugs.

THEM: Excuse me, Ma’am…would you please repeat that?

ME: Yes. Stinkbugs. The insect kind…. in my computer fan. They’re trying to get out and they are hitting the fan. I know you probably haven’t heard this one yet today, but that’s my story, strange as it is.

THEM:  Silence.

ME: (By now I realized this was not only going to be difficult, but impossible to explain.) I really don’t want to insult you, but is there any way you can connect me to someone in the U.S. who might know what I’m talking about? There really ARE bugs in my computer. REAL bugs. Not the computer virus kind. They are like beetles…there’s an infestation of them in this part of the US…. It’s a REAL BUG. I need to get them out. I really don’t WANT to take the back off my computer, but I think I have to.

THEM: (I hear a chuckle on the line. I do believe this is the first time I have ever heard a technician on theHelpline chuckle.) I’ll transfer you to a hardware technician so we can assist you with this problem. (Apparently he knew when to fold ’em!).

Next I sat on hold listening to Dell ads for another 10 minutes. Not once did they mention what to do in case a stinkbug  party moves into your computer. Meanwhile, the stinkbugs were joined by yet another friend, and the three of them continued to wave at me (at least I THINK that’s what they’re doing) as they repeatedly try to squeeze through the hole that was too small for them. I wondered how they got in there in the first place. It’s like watching the proverbial square peg trying to squeeze through a round hole. Mind you, they have no problems squeezing between the window sills when the opening is the thickness of a piece of rice paper, but they can’t find their way out of my computer  fan!!!! Finally, someone answered, and thankfully, they were, in fact, in the U.S. 

THEM: How may I help you?

ME: I’ve got a bug problem. Stinkbugs to be precise. In my computer fan. I need to get them out so I suppose I have to get the back off the computer somehow. I was hoping you might help with that. 

THEM: (Silence, while she no doubt rolls her eyes, points to her phone, and mouths to her co-workers, “I’ve got a live one!”) Before we get to that, may I have your service tag number?

ME: OK. Blah blah, etc. etc…. 

THEM: Now how may I help you?

ME: As I said, we have a stinkbug  infestation in my town, and they are inside my computer, stuck in the fan area where I can see them trying to get out, but they can’t squeeze through the openings. I think I am going to have to take the back off this thing which I hate to do but…

THEM: (Without missing a beat she continued.) Oh, it’s not a problem. We can clean your fan with compressed air….

ME: (Dazed) No, you don’t understand. These are BIG bugs! Beetles. I am sure they are not doing any good to my computer walking around inside. I need to get them out!

THEM: Excuse me while I speak to my supervisor so we can assist you in taking the back off the computer…

ME: (Sighing…) OK. Fine.

Eternal hold began again. After 5 more minutes of Dell ads (still no mention of stinkbug components) I heard that old, familiar clicking sound I have come to know so well after an eternal hold, soon to be followed by a mechanical voice saying, “If you wish to make a call, please hang up and dial again.” And then silence. Painful silence.

At this, I headed into the garage for a screw driver. I found one section on the bottom right of the back panel which didn’t look too complicated to remove (God knows I’d had enough time to study it carefully by now!), pulled it off, hit the fan with a paper clip to spin it, the bug dropped, and then crawled out the bigger opening I had just created to head towards my desk lamp which I had strategically placed to entice him (I will spare you the details of what happened to him after he did….) (….but in my defense, he was heading towards the white light anyway!). I then removed two more the same way. All in a day’s work. I really do need to get a job with Dell’s Helpline…..